We are supporting Children’s Mental Health Week, in it’s 7th year with the 2021 theme of “Express Yourself”.
The young people we work with at PAS have an amazing ability to express themselves through many creative mediums, art, drama, music and film and of course writing.
This week will be sharing some of the creative work our young people wanted to share to give ideas on how you too can express yourself.
We are delighted as our first post this week to share some wonderful writing by one of our young people who has written an insightful piece about autism and what that means to her,
Thank you so much for sharing your brilliant writing with us!
Autism and Me
I am not a typical teenager: I don’t spend my time chatting to friends or texting or even going out to visit friends. I prefer my own company, watching television or reading a book. I have Autism.
This affects my way of looking at things. I have sensitive hearing, I am hypersensitive to others’ feelings, I am empathetic and sensitive. I love tiny details and notice intricate, entangled and complex patterns that others may miss. Like the most confident person is always the loudest and the quietest is always the smartest etc. My experience with Autism will not be the same as other people’s because we are all different. But in one way, we are all the same: we are all awesome because Autism = Awesome.
When I was first diagnosed with Autistic Spectrum Disorder I felt a bit relieved to know what made me different to people in general. I couldn’t understand why I was always so easily upset, or why I didn’t seem to look at life the same way as others.
Autistic Spectrum Disorder, or ASD is a neurodevelopmental disability that affects how a person relates to the world and others around them. I was diagnosed when I was 11 years old. When I was being tested I distinctly remember having a book shown to me with different situations and I had to choose the picture that related most to me. Obviously I didn’t get most of them “right” in terms of a neuro-typical brain. One of the images I was shown was of a child playing on their own and a group of 3 children playing together, and I was asked which child or children I thought were happier? To my mind of course the child on his own was happier because that’s how I felt. However a neurotypical child would probably have said the group of 3 children are happier because they have friends.
As I am a girl I apparently hide my autism better than a boy would because boys have more visual ways of showing their autism. Girls however are typically better at hiding or masking their insecurities and boys are more relaxed about what people think about them.
Back at the beginning of the school session when no-one had even heard of COVID-19 I was finding going to school really tough. I stressed over socialising and making conversation with peers as I find it difficult, I also had exam stress and all the usual teenage hormones going on. Then add the current COVID-19 situation to the way I was already feeling and it made me feel confused, depressed, anxious, but also relieved and content. Confused to try and make sense of it all, depressed because I can’t see my wider family like grandparents and aunts, uncles and cousins. Anxious because of the risks of catching it!
However I also feel relieved that I don’t have to put a mask on to go to school and appear content to fit in to everyday life. What really annoys me is the fact that everyone is moaning about having to wear masks, when I wear a metaphorical mask everyday. I am content that I am allowed to stay in my house and not talk to anyone outside my family. At home, I sometimes blow up about having nothing to do. I need a steady flow of work coming in or I feel like I am literally detaching from the earth and floating above the ground and sometimes I feel like I am five years old. I start talking in a babyishvoice and repeat motions like cuddling and stroking a teddy bear. When I get to this point I need to be under my weighted blanket in my bedroom, so that I feel grounded. This is my safe place.
I feel less safe when I have to deal with people’s emotions, as I get really awkward in those types of situations the last time I was in this I started crying as well . One such occasion was when I called on my friend to walk to school as normal, however I had hardly knocked on the door when it flew open and my friend flung her arms round me like she was a boa constrictor and I was a mouse. Through her sobs, she told me her pet rabbit had died. I went stiff with awkwardness and embarrassment because I felt like I did something wrong, I felt awkward because she was crying and I didn’t know what to do or say. I was about to start sobbing myself so after comforting her I started to yell for our other friend, who we also walked to school with to hurry up when what I really meant was “Help!”. This made her cry even more as my other friend was racing towards us. The entire walk to school became filled with my apologies as I knew I hadn’t handled the situation very well. These apologies fell on deaf ears as I technically didn’t do anything wrong, and they probably didn’t really care as they were busy discussing what had happened to the rabbit. I personally think in that situation I was apologising to my grieving friend for betraying her trust. In these type of situations I walk away and go to the only place in school I truly feel safe at school, the support base.
I feel safe in the support base because it’s kind of a getaway from all the stress that comes along with high school, yet this place comes with its own drama. The support base is a place where those who aren’t neuro-typical or even physically typical can come to escape the ridicule we would otherwise receive in high school. Yes, it’s noisy and very full of life and sometimes anger but that’s just because we are teenagers, growing teenagers with all the hormones that go along with that magnificent package. School for any normal teenager is stressful enough, but imagine all your senses are heightened and you are surrounded by bright colours, blaring sounds and the fear that everything you say or do is wrong, or could be wrong. I feel a rush of anxiety flooding over me as I try to start a conversation with someone I don’t know. The feeling that if you get it wrong you will be drowned in your own misery, that is what it’s like to be in my shoes.
And yet, just as some people have found positives in being in lockdown, there are positives to having autism. Many people with autism have a special power. . We think differently, some of us can see in numbers, shapes, patterns and sometimes even code. For me, this means I am absolutely brilliant at doing jigsaws puzzles! The media uses shows like the show the Good Doctor to raise awareness of disabilities like autism. The Good Doctor is about a savant autistic surgeon who, because of his disability, finds it difficult to relate to patients or their families and can’t look them in the eyes. He also doesn’t like being touched and says whatever comes into his mind regardless of the consequences. He sees everything in black and white. Right is right and wrong is wrong. There is no grey area. Another representation of autism is the character Julia in Sesame Street who is educating preschoolers about how an autistic child would act or react to different situations and highlights the other special qualities the child has. This allows the future generations to get an education about autism and other disabilities.
I am grateful that I can talk, as some autistic people cannot. I have a loving family, who try to understand me. I am also thankful for the school I go to, for the amazing support base and all the endlessly understanding guidance staff. Some high schools don’t even have this facility.
